📚 Buy the Book → - Trillion Dollar Coach, Bill Campbell
There was a time when I was completely invisible. I was the only son of a single mother. We immigrated to Florida from Korea when I was around 12. Couldn’t speak a word of English. I rarely saw my mother as she worked early in the morning and came back late at night effectively making me a “latchkey” kid.
In her absence, she left me a lanyard with emergency contact information written on an index card, laminated. It served as a popularity repellent and guaranteed a life of solitude.
The rule was that I had to wear the lanyard with an index card anytime I left the apartment we lived in. Probably why I still resent index cards and never used them to study (i.e. excuses for my unremarkable academic career).
Soon enough, wearing the lanyard became a habit. Once I was able to speak enough English to get myself home, I got rid of the index card but kept the lanyard. As I got older, I wore lanyards (i.e. keys, school id, etc.) and in an effort to make it “cool”I tucked into my pocket with the lanyard hanging loose (i.e. not cool). Still to this day, I have a tiny lanyard on my keys. It has been over 20 years, why do I still have a lanyard?
Because we are all creatures of habit.
I’m a creature of habit, from what I wear to the food I consume. Habits are kept because it’s built on a foundation of trust I’ve established through the interactions. It requires relatively low upkeep because a black t-shirt from a brand of your choice rarely behaves differently barring any major change in the underlying fabric.
It cannot be said of the same for human relationships.
Human-to-human relationships are a complicated affair, partly due to the lack of consistency and the amount of time it takes to cultivate a baseline.
We’ve all experienced this rather early in life. This realization leads us down the path of seeking frequent reassurance (i.e. texting, calling, asking if you are still loved).
When the trust is broken in a single snap, it is jarring but definitive (i.e. Infidelity).
I found that it is much more difficult to accept when the trust wanes slowly like an ice cube in a glass of water.
Especially when it isn’t due because of the underlying fabric (i.e. you as a person) but the narrative and ecosystem around you (i.e. career, lifestyle, etc.).
For the first 1/3 of our lives, there isn’t much change in terms of ecosystem around you because you don’t have any money to support one. However, as we get older the nucleus of any topic is money (i.e. byproduct of a career). Specifically around transactions such as making, saving, investing, and jobs/opportunities around it. With it comes expectations from others.
It seems to start small with pointed comments as it always does. Admittedly, at times this took me out of my way. From the expectation of paying for things to how you may be too privileged to understand and empathize with those not as fortunate.
It seems that people at times expect and want stuff from you for different reasons based on where you are in life.
This has made me sensitive and possibly jaded in ways that I am not proud of (i.e. I’m working on it). So I retreat to my old circle of friends. The ones I can trust and who have been on the journey with me. I see a lot of these in people far more successful than I am.
It’s not a safe haven though.
When the trust is broken in the inner circle, it does not break but rather erodes.
When this happens, I grip onto the past and all the time that was spent together and conclude I am being too sensitive about it all. But the thought of it never fully let go.
It’s an ugly feeling when you feel that someone likes you because of the things you can provide, no matter how small that something is.
You wonder if that was always the case or if this is something new. Maybe it’s just bad timing, that person may be going through something much deeper and I need to be more understanding.
Clarity rarely arrives at a time when you need it.
While there are many things in my life that I am grateful for. It is those genuine relationships I have had throughout my life. Be it romantic, professional, friendship, and on.
Just wanted to say thanks to those that have given me so much when they knew I didn’t have much to offer. Your generosity is something I am working on in myself.
With Optimism,
Su Hawn